The Lonely Year
by musicbendr
Summary: What if Cassie didn't take Sid and Michelle's relationship nearly as well as she did? What if she completely lost it? Starts with Cassie's return from Scotland and goes AU from there. Rated T, but language abounds.


**What if Cassie didn't take Sid and Michelle's relationship nearly as well as she did? What if she completely lost her mind? Starts with Cassie's return from Scotland and goes AU from there.  
A/N: Let me know how I did narrating as Cassie. Her voice is kind of hard to pin down. Thanks!  
**

Today, I walked with the animals and I listened to them sing. Scotland is a beautiful place, really, and you can bike 'round for miles without ever finding anyone. It's lovely here, really lovely. And I miss Sid a bit, but that's all fine, because I can still talk to him. I just can't touch him. I'll be back soon enough, though, and I'll make up for it- most certainly. Even if he's a twat and thinks that I was up here fucking Lachlan, who doesn't want to fuck anything without a dick. And I don't have one of those. No, this time I'm not going to commit suicide because that didn't really work very well. I'm only going to make a few cuts this time, and in clever places, too. Sid will probably be seeing my thighs before they heal (if he's lucky) so I can't put them there. Sid will probably be seeing every part of me before the cuts heal (if he's lucky) so I'll put them on elbows and knees and ankles and arms but not wrists and feet so it will look like I've been running through the nettles and falling down a lot. I'll make them look good and believable, too, not like they came from a razor. It sounds like a tall order, but I'm an expert on these things.

* * *

Tomorrow, I'm getting on a plane and going into the clouds and when I come down, I'll be in Bristol. It'll be lovely, splendid, too, and a bunch of other good things. I hope that Sid will believe that the picture I took of Lachlan kissing his boyfriend is real; I think it looks real, because you can't really fake the blur I got of them, and the other picture of Lachlan's hand coming at the camera and his face with an "Oh, wow" look. I don't think you can fake that, but Sid can be incredibly stupid sometimes, even if I love him. As soon as I get home, I'm going to call Tony, because Tony will know where Sid is. I want to surprise him and kiss him and tell him I love him, because I do. And I want to show him the pictures and he'll understand and he'll try to pretend like he doesn't want to fuck me right at that moment but I'll see right through it and tell him it's alright and we'll go somewhere quiet and pretty. I've always wanted to fuck in a field- maybe he'll let me do that.

Lachlan and all of my Scottish friends are coming over for a party later, and it's going to be a blast. I hope it will be, anyway. Maybe I'll even eat a little something. After all, it's a party. I'm not going to go too wild, though, because if I do, I might end up actually having sex with someone and Sid won't want me anymore and I might have to kill myself. I've been setting up and I've made sure that all the alcohol is by the food so I don't go near. Up here, my friends aren't constantly high and drunk, which is an interesting change. When they're high and drunk, they can understand me and I can understand them and we can talk like regular people. My Scottish friends and I have to speak in a dance. I don't mind, though, since I like to dance. I even had Maxxie teach me a few steps once, just so I could do it to try and make myself feel beautiful. It did work; when I danced I couldn't really see myself so I chose to see a ballerina instead.

The party's going to start in a minute or two so I'm going to have to leave. I can't miss my own going away party, no matter how much I want to. All I want to do is take something to make me sleep so I can wake up and it will be the morning. Lachlan will come and get me soon, I'm sure of it. And we'll have a party and I _will_ have fun, no matter how hard it is.

* * *

Today, I'm getting on a plane and going into the clouds and when I come down, I'll be in Bristol. My suitcase is packed and my friends are at the airport. The party was alright, I suppose. They made a lot of toasts to me, though I can't see why because they don't really know me and if they did they'd probably run with their tails between their scrawny hairy legs. After they were all really drunk, I snuck up to the bathroom and made a couple of cuts on my knees and legs so it looked like I fell. It was almost art. Then when I came back downstairs nearly everybody had gone to sleep or passed out so I found as many blankets as I could and covered as many people as I could. They all looked peaceful, like little puppies curled up in the warmth. But then they had to wake up.

I said good-bye to Lachlan and Rori at security and the others at the house. The two boys didn't want me going to the gate all by myself, but I'm a big girl. I just hope I can be a big girl until I get home. I'm waiting at that very gate right now, waiting for a steel bird to swoop me up, put me in its belly, and take me home. What's funny is I didn't even realize that I had a home before I left it, and now suddenly I know that it's my home, too, where all my friends are. It will be nice to get back to people who understand me, even if only for a couple of forgotten hours. But the moments where I make sense are meant to be forgotten, right? Otherwise I wouldn't really be Cassie.

* * *

Today, I'm at the club where Tony said Sid would be. It's flashing and splendid and quite nice and I think I'd like to dance with Sid in it because then I can be the ballerina again and I can be beautiful again and I know he likes it when I'm beautiful. I look around for him and he's not hard to spot in the crowd on account of his cute black beanie that he never takes off. I think I'll come around the back stairs and surprise him; I have the photos in the pockets of my dress and I feel like smiling. I think I am smiling, and it's strange and tingly because I haven't had a Sid smile in months. But I like it. I like this feeling.

Out on the dance floor, sweating bodies move like water in a stream under the sun of the strobing, pulsing lights. It's hard to find Sid again, but I get it right and I'm about to burst. The cuts have stopped hurting and it's easier to believe that he'll buy my excuse. He's Sid and he's alright and even though I'm not alright, he is so we can be alright.

But I don't count on lovely little Michelle being there and being all over him and touching him like I used to touch him and probably fucking him in some little corner. I can't take it.

"Sid?"

"... Cassie!"

I know that he's saying more after that, but I'm not listening because I've already run and the pictures of Lachlan and Rori drop onto the ground behind me and I don't stop to pick them up because I know they won't help. Because now Michelle's involved and whenever she's involved with relationships that aren't hers everything just goes to shit. Even when she's involved in her own relationships things go to shit but that might be because her last relationship was Tony and everything he touches shatters.

Sid's calling my name, but I won't let him find me. He's trying to tell me something about his regret but I don't believe it. Michelle was always prettier than me anyway.

Fuck.


End file.
